Here's A Bit of Hate and Fear

   
      First of all, I'd like to just clear some things up that may or may not be already painfully obvious.
  
         (1) I can't do the favorites of the month anymore because...

         (2) I got a full time job, and, honestly, my life has no real excitement, although...

         (3) You should watch The X Files because that's what I've been doing with most of my time.


     Oh, look, here are some things I hate.

     1 thing I hate: I hate being told to do something, and then I do it wrong, and the person who told me to do it in the first place doesn't tell me I'm doing whatever I'm doing wrong/bad.

     Example: Last year, when I worked at the golf course, a coworker (We'll call him Squishy) and I were cleaning some golf carts. Apparently, I wasn't rinsing the tires good enough (Literally just squirting the tires with a hose, c'mon, who could mess that up?), but, when I asked Squishy if I was doing good, he put me on the job of spraying the seats with cleaner, and he started spraying the tires. YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME I WASN'T DOING A GOOD JOB, OH MY WORD!

     2 Thing I Hate: When my friends are stupid, but I can't tell them because I don't run their lives and I'm no better than them most days anyway, so what do I really know? At the same time, I hate that I don't have the guts to tell them that they're making stupid decisions or whatever...but I just want them to grow and figure things out for themselves...is that so awful? I don't want to be the friend that says "I told you so.", I just want to be the friend that says "I know you messed up, but I won't ever stop loving you no matter what because I love you and you're awesome."

     3 thing I hate: I honestly hate the feeling when you try to explain why you do the things you do or act the way you act...and the person you're talking to isn't even giving what you have to say a thought. You know when you can just feel somebody doesn't care or doesn't want to care? I hate that feeling.

     4 thing I hate: I hate when you want to write...really really want to write, but you have absolutely nothing to write about. (See this post here)


     The truth about this post is simply that I began writing it an age ago...and I've only just now come across it. I've missed blogging, I feel a little lost without it, honestly. I have good subjects to write on, but often no time (or computer available) to actually blog about it.
     I think I'm also slightly scared that someday I'll never, ever want to blog...or write. This fear comes from the fact that I recently gave up documenting my life via the writing of a conventional journal. I have documented my life for the past 6-7 years in journal after journal, but over the last year or so I've sort of just forced myself to document out of a kind of sworn duty to nobody but myself. I suddenly realized that documenting my life in that way wasn't a part of me any longer.
 
    Isn't it fascinating, and amazing, and scary, and wonderful how much we all change throughout our lives? It's so lovely to be human, and so terrible at the same moment. I'm afraid sometimes that I'm becoming somebody that I don't want to be. I'm afraid that as I change that I'm no longer the person I was a year ago, or a month ago, or a day ago...maybe I'm so different that I've become unrecognizable from the person I was last week.
    Of course, my fears are really irrational. I mean, life is about changing as a person. Life is about growing up...always growing up. It seems you can be 75 and still grow. We can all always grow, so don't be afraid.

Rather Awkward

     I'm the type of person that avoids talking to new people because I want to do what's in their best interest, and if it seems like I may bother them, I try my best to steer clear. It isn't that I personally find myself unpleasant, because I really don't. I find myself to try put others' thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and ideas before mine...even before I've met them. On the outside, because I try to take in everything and everyone, I come across as rather awkward upon first impression.
    I feel like this is somehow the curse of being an introvert. As an introvert, I'm always contemplating...and that crosses over into social ventures as well. So, yeah, I'm sitting silently, and I look lonely in doing so, but I'm more than aware of everything that's going on around me. (And thus, I'm a tad socially awkward.)
    It almost feels as if I'm wearing a mask, and the mask comes off when I'm with somebody I love, or when I think of something funny, or when I'm driving alone and I find myself singing at the top of my lungs along with the radio. Honestly, I can't survive without this mask. It allows me to survive, it's a part of who I am. 
    I'm quite sure we all have our own mask that we wear at different times around different people. I don't think the mask that we all wear is an awful sort of mask, I think it's more of a mask that's always been there, since we were born. There are, of course, awful masks as well. 
    I do not wear my mask to hide. I wear my mask because that's who I am. 

    Sometimes, I really wonder whether I'm making any sense...it's so difficult to write my thoughts most days...Also, this might be a product of my recent Phantom of the Opera obsession...I don' even know.  Just smile and wave, and pretend I made sense...or don't. Okay, I'm silencing myself now.

(I feel like that last paragraph is proof I'm awkward.)